And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize