TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
