Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This is my gift to your gina
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
