I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
