Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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