so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
