Where did you get a picture of my penis
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
