Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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