I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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