just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
