Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
