If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
