How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
