I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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