What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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