Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
