please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
