So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
