I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That accounts for only three of the penises
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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