at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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