She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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