Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
