so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
