Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
