The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
