You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
