you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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