Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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