Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i love accidental penises.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
