I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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