Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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