Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
BRING THE BAGELS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
