if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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