he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
