Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize