There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Boobs are out for the taking
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
