my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
