Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
