i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
