dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize