her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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