i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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