I'm jealous of your bromance
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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