you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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