We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
