can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
