I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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