Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
