Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just blew my weed a kiss
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
