I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
