Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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