Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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