R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
