I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
