I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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