hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
