she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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